Hercules

 by Seneca

A modern translation by Eolone with a trusty borrowed Latin dictionary.

Location: a stage at a Roman camp.

By appearance:

Lycus — usurping king of Thebes or something.
Megara — wife of Hercules, and daughter of late king of Thebes or something.
Hercules — coming back from having a hell of a time.

...
Scene

— Marry me, and peace will come to the land.

— I am faithful to my man, and when he comes back he’ll snap you in two.

— Ha! Your man looking for the best sweetmeat around!

— Never! He vowed his love to me; and he always came back to me.

— When he tired of running around.

— Never! Never!

[Enter Hercules in lion skin and holding a fish by the tail. He looks outward.]

— Veni. [He looks around the stage.]

— Vidi. [He approaches Lycus, and lands him a sockeye.]

— Deliveri.

— Oh, Herc, Herc...where were you! This moment could not have come any sooner!

— But? — I came on cue.

— But where were you?

— O Dearest!

— Were you looking —

— O Honey, Darling!

[Music. Dance. They fall off the stage. Exit Lycus with sockeye.]

The End.